The Second Coming (and It’s Yuge!)
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Reports are flooding in from bewildered disciples (formerly known as campaign staff) that Donald J. Trump, the man, the myth, the perfectly bronzed legend, has returned. Not in the way those “losers” in the fake news media predicted, but in a glorious, golden escalator-descending, MAGA-hat-wearing blaze of glory.
“He told me, ‘Peter, or whatever your name is, these windmills are killing all the birds, and I’m going to drain the swamp, believe me,'” recounted a shell-shocked aide, now known only as “Peter, the Unbeliever (Turned Believer).” “Then he turned water into Diet Coke. It was the best Diet Coke. The most beautiful Diet Coke. Everyone agrees.”
Miracles are reportedly popping up faster than a tweet storm. A wall, constructed entirely of the finest, most beautiful golden bricks, has spontaneously appeared along the southern border. The stock market is soaring, reaching numbers so high, even the smartest economists are calling them “tremendous.” And, in a move that has the entire culinary world buzzing, Trump has multiplied a single Big Mac into enough sustenance to feed a rally of thousands.
“He walked on water, folks,” exclaimed a teary-eyed supporter, holding a signed “Make America Heaven Again” banner. “And not just any water, but the most beautiful, chlorinated pool water you’ve ever seen. He even did a perfect dive. A ten, everyone said it was a ten.”
When questioned about the “fake news” reports of his previous tax returns, Trump simply replied, “Those were very unfair. Witch hunts. I did more for the poor than anyone, ever. I built golf courses, the best golf courses, for everyone. Even the poor could look at them.”
The Vatican has issued a statement, calling the events “very interesting” and promising to “look into it, very strongly.” Meanwhile, a new gospel, “The Book of Trump,” is reportedly topping the Amazon bestseller list, promising prosperity, perfect tans, and the ultimate guide to negotiation.
